1am

It blindsides you at 1am. 

You jolt awake, not quite sure what broke you from your sleep, you take a moment to adjust to consciousness, not quite asleep, not quite awake, still grasping onto the last remnants of the dreams that swirl around your mind and then there it is. The memory comes crashing in, the overwhelming reality wrapping around your heart, flooding every inch of you - he's not here. You roll over to the cold spot where he should be & stare into the darkness. You wait for the tears to come. But they don't, there's just a heavy weight in the space where your heart used to beat, like the cold space next to you, it's empty, void of any sign life. You told yourself you weren't invested in this one, you kept your heart protected and you didn't let him in... but somehow he slipped through the cracks & now here you are awake at 1am missing him. 

I guess eventually you become accustomed to being left. I mean you have to laugh at some point right? You should be used to it by now, you are the girl who gets left. Yet you hold on to this whimsical notion that one day, a man will come along and change the world as you know it, that all of these relationships have been some kind of 'journey', 'lessons' to grow from. You tell yourself that you're meant for something more, that you're one in a million & you can change the world... but who gave you that crazy idea? It certainly wasn't your 'you've done nothing with your life & you're not going anywhere' mother... It definitely wasn't your condescending 'You have to be really smart to do that job' dad...

It blindsides you at 1am. Your darkest thoughts, your deepest fears, the voices in your head that remind you of your self doubts. And at 1am, under the weight of yet another heartbreak, you might just start to believe them 

the girl behind the mask

What a shame it is that the girl who once believed in fairytales & magic has found her way to reality, with demons in her mind and the fear of never being loved, the fear of being alone.

Im not the silly romantic you think i am. I just want to feel safe with someone. To not always be waiting for him to walk away, to not always be wishing he would love me back. I need to be able to trust that he is there for me for the right reasons, because he cares enough to be there. I wont break your heart like those other girls will. That's exactly why you're so terrified. I could make you happy. And you know that being happy is the most terrifying thing in the universe. Once you're happy it can be taken from you. But still, you sleep with one eye open, your running shoes beside your soul every night ready to run, waiting for some sudden storm that might swallow you up.  I hate how you made me question myself when the problem was you all along. And then I think maybe I was destined to be alone. It''s at night that the thoughts come crashing in, the crushing weight bearing down on my already tender heart and my mind goes to war with my heart. The battle of what I know to be truth and fact at war with what my heart felt & would not relent on and the impossible choice of what to do. 

The sun will rise and set with or without you. So when the darkness lifts & you cannot hide amongst the shadows, you will put your mask back on to face the world and give it the love you know it needs, all the while counting down the minutes until you can retreat into the safety of the night. You will never find your worth in a man. You find your worth within yourself and then find a man who's worthy of you. So trust in your heart, always listen to your heart for it knows you best. Wait for the person who will bring light to the darkness, who will kiss your wounds and fill the scars in your heart with a love you once believed existed.

love is only a feeling... true or false?

Yesterday my mum told me the kind of love I believed in wasn't real. 

She thinks that the way you love anything in your life is the same way you will love the person who makes your world turn, the person who brings you coffee in the morning, who kisses you on the forehead & laughs at your not even remotely funny jokes, the person who's arms will wrap around you & make you feel safe and give you a place to always call home... the exact same...

There is no way in this lifetime that you will ever convince me that the love I believe in isn't real. I know it is, because I have been lucky enough to have had a glimpse of it. The kind of love that rips the rug out from under you, but in a good way, the kind of love that makes colours brighter, your heart race & your tummy do backflips. Please don't ever believe that it's not real. Don't settle for something because you are scared to be alone, because you think that is the best it will ever be. It's not. 

My mum believes that I am chasing a fantasy, that because I am damaged I want to believe in a fairy tale. But it is not because I am damaged, its because I have been loved, in a big way, its because I have LOVED in a big way. I have so much love to give those around me, the incredible people in my life that make each day a good day and one day I will share all of that love to my forever person.

Yes, I would fit into the 'damaged goods' category - A broken home, a most of the time absent father, an unstable childhood, a mother who did her best, but who's best fell short, cheated on & lied to, and an abusive relationship... it goes on. So yes, my heart has cracks from where it has been shattered into a million tiny pieces, but each of those cracks has been mended with tenderness & care. I have taken the time to look at what has happened in my life, the parts I had no control over & couldn't change and put my heart back together. My past does define me, it has made me who I am today - but not without me choosing how it changed me. I do not carry the weight of it in my heart, I am not burdened by it. I choose to still look at the world with a childlike innocence and believe in love & joy & happiness, to embrace my past & be thankful I have learnt so much in such a short time and am able to now appreciate the small things. 

So Mumma, here is my message to you - I am one in a million and one day I am going to get my fairy tale but it wont be an ending; it will be a beginning. A beginning of everything you didn't believe could come true. Romantic, real, forever love. It will take hard work, dedication & commitment to get to the end, but on my wedding day, you can stand up and give your toast & tell everyone that I waited for this man & that I never wavered from my belief that he existed.

a much needed reminder

Today I was reminded of one of the most important beliefs I try to live my life by & it was very much needed.

Life is not about what you get, its about what you give 
... so give it all

I believe this 100%, but I don't mean it as literal as it sounds. You have to understand its whimsical notion, the romantic of it. You can't use this to justify staying in a relationship that is one sided or abusive. You can't use it to justify running yourself into the ground for everyone else. There is a balance. You need to make sure your own cup is full first & then once you are so full that you are overflowing, then you have more than you could possibly need to be able to give of yourself truly. You must give to yourself first. Then you can give to others, give them everything you've got, your love, your advice, your time - let your light shine into the dark corners of those who need it.

There is this crazy notion that damaged and broken people are unable to truly & innocently love another. I call BS. If you are damaged, if you are broken, GOOD, you have also survived that which broke you. So now you have beautiful battle scar reminders of your strength. You can either let the experience break you & make you stronger or you can stay down there in the dark broken mess of it all. But don't think for a second you don't have a choice. I think every life experience changes us somewhat, but we are all who we are at the very core of us, nothing can shake your foundations, you can however, grow into a better version of yourself, take your lessons and become better, do better, love better, laugh more & give more.  Yes, damaged people roll into a new relationship with their truck load of baggage, equipped with self doubt, self sabotage and more issues than vogue... but that doesn't mean they aren't also strong & brave & able to love fiercely and whole heartedly. 

I've been to the very bottom & sat in the beautiful mess, amongst the broken pieces of my heart and soul wondering where the fuck to start with the glue. It takes time to embrace all your flaws & love yourself for all that you are, so enjoy that time, learn to accept your imperfections. Putting yourself back together allows you the incredible opportunity to put yourself back together exactly how want to. To change the parts that you don't like, i put emphasise on you, because you should never change for anyone but yourself. Have you been somebody you don't like? A lesser version of who you want to be? Thats ok. Change, grow. 

A soul mate is not the whole picture, they are just the final piece. So when it comes time for me to choose my forever, I will be exactly who I want to be and i'll choose the person who looks at me with all my flaws and cracks and imperfections and see's a masterpiece. And every day i will love that person with my whole heart, i will make sure that i choose them every day, that there is never a moment they don't know just how loved they are, how special they are & how lucky I feel to have found someone who's puzzle piece was the final piece to mine. 

They say we cant choose who we love, that you dont find love, love finds you and I agree with this to some degree, but i do believe once we find our other half that you have a responsibility to yourself and to them to be the people that you fell in love with, to give to yourself first and then give to them. Give them your heart, let them into the darkest corners of yourself, give them your love, give them laughter that makes your belly ache, give them sleepy Sunday mornings, give them child like joy, give them excitement, loyalty, honesty & a safe place to always call home. 

Give it all.

who do you want to be... continued

What do you want to do with your life? 

Do you want to be a singer? 

What do you want to tell the world in your songs? 

Do you want to make a record that earns you thousands of dollars or do you want to make a record that changes someone’s life? 

What do you define ‘worth’ as? 

Is it the car that you drive or the house that you live in? Is it the impact that your words have or is it the truth that you speak that makes your worth as a person? 

I believe that somewhere along the line the meaning of the question has been changed, when we are asked what we want to ‘do’ with our lives, instead of thinking about what occupation is going to define who we are, we should be considering what impact the things we do is going to have on the world. 

Do you want to change the world? Do you want to travel the world? Do you want to help people? To inspire people? Or help them see the greatness in themselves? Do you want to invent something or discover a cure? Do you want something simple, a loving home to raise children in? Or to bake bread that families can break over tea?

There are 525,600 minutes in a year - Each day you are given 1440 of those minutes, to do whatever you like with, but at the end of the day that clock resets, they do not transfer and you cant save them for later. At the end of each day, have you used those minutes or have you wasted them? Are you closer to achieving your dream? Have you made conscious decisions to be the person you decided you wanted to be? It is up to you to remember that you deserve your dream to come true, that you deserve good things to happen to you. So when you find yourself reflecting on the day and feeling as though you haven’t done anything ‘worthy’ that day, don’t get lost in the darkness or self pity, just make sure you wake up the next day and work twice as hard. Your ideas & your dreams may change over time or you may achieve your dream & you may be exactly the kind of person you want to be, so naturally your dreams will grow & develop as you grow as a person. I think this is one of the most frightening things about life; that nothing is certain, that at any given moment the rug can be ripped out from under you and your dreams are scattered.  You owe it to yourself to pick up the pieces, put them back together and get on with the life you have been given and to make it the life that you wished for & you dreamed of. 

Don't let someone else write your story