Truth, Vulnerability and Him

You got the boy. 

Your wish came true.

The last four months have been a blur of anxiety, of walls being torn down around you, of pure & utter fear. 

Of breaking habits, of fighting patterns.

Of choosing not to run. 

Yet he has no idea.

Not.A.Clue

He will never know the internal battles you fight every single day. 

Your body in constant flight mode. 

Your mind forever conflicted.

Your heart desperate to stay safe.
You keep it together. 

Put on your brave face. 

You dont cry

You dont let him see the pain.

The fear.

You smile & you laugh. 

You keep it together. 

For him

For them

Because if he see's it, any of it. If he senses the imperfections.

He will leave. 

Because he doesn't need you. 
He doesnt choose you.
His walls are impenetrable & no matter how patient you are, how perfect you are, how helpful or nurturing or loving you are. He will still leave.

He will still leave.  

So this relationship is going to be a lesson. 

It is going to hurt. And you are going to let it.

It wont break you down

It will break you up.

You will let the pain in. You will face the things you fear. 

You will face the people who have left you. 

The people who have let you down.

The people who didnt love you 

The ones who told you you werent enough.

It's ok to let it hurt you, its ok to feel it, to acknowledge it.

But you will stay true to your heart.

You will bend if you choose. 

But you will remain steadfast & true to the girl you know you are.

You will not put your life on pause for a boy who only half loves you.

You will not wait for the phone to ring.
You wont wait for him to choose you.
You wont wait. 
You will fill your life with the things you love

With the people who love you. Truly

Who see you. Who truly see you.

You didn't work this hard to only come this far. 

It's ok to love him.

Its also ok to let him go.

You are loved. You are safe. 

The Unmasking

Writing used to come to easily to me, words would flow freely, my emotions would become clear and all of the sections of my life that I struggled to make sense of would come into focus. But i havent written in the longest time, I feel rusty, like an unused bicycle, squeaky and stiff. 

When my life feels like chaos, i would always feel at home here, in the space of creativity and no expectations. Writing for the sake of writing, means that it doesnt matter how it sounds, how it flows or even if it makes sense - it simply just is. 

My life right now feels like season 9 of a TV series, nothing is going right, everything is chaos and all of the characters are just standing there thinking 'what the fuck'... No section of my life is going amazingly, every part seems to be doing just ok - which for someone with exceptionally high standards, this should be sending me into a stage 5 panic - surprisingly I just feel on edge, anxious but not like the reigns of my life are beyond my grasp. 

Right now, I am struggling to step into the version of myself that I want to be. Simply because she is still unfamiliar. Change & growth is uncomfortable for this exact reason - it is easy to be who you have always been, you know her. You know her voice, her thoughts, her reactions, her emotions, her needs, her wants, how she loves, how she hurts, how she copes... you know every inch of her. Stripping away parts of you that no longer serve who you want to be, means letting go of familiarity and comfort and somehow finding a way to just sit in the unfamiliar. And so I come here... to let the words flow, to let the fears rise to the surface in a place I know to be safe, in a place I dont feel like I need to have it all figured out. 

When I sit down to write, i never know where the writing will take me, i have always been of the mind that if you sit down, the pen will lead you.. or in this case the keyboard. Sometimes I think I know why im feeling a way & i start to write, 20 minutes later i find myself 15 layers deep in an event that happened a lifetime ago that I had no idea was still linked to my present. That is how powerful it can be to just simply sit and write.... it is cathartic. 

I no longer want to have small, trivial, meaningless conversations, I simply do not resonate with gossip or chatter for the sake of it, it doesnt move me - it is just noise.

I dont care how your day was... in the sense that I dont want to hear just 'good'... I want to know what moved you today, what inspired you, what changed you, what made your heart sing. I need to be surrounded by those who encourage the fires within me to burn brighter, not people who are afraid of being burned and insist I smoulder quietly. I need space to be held for me whilst i settle into this new version of myself, whilst i adjust my voice, my views, my thoughts & my actions, understanding from those who look to me as a pillar of familiarity, needing from me the foundation of strength and support they have come to rely on. 

I have written previously about stepping away from being the 'strong girl' & i feel it even more now, there is a sense of urgency now to let that girl go. Whilst i always will have strength, the way that I feel this and want this to show is different now. I will always be reliable & dependable, I will always be a safe place for those who i love. But now,  'strength' will not be a force, it wont be hostile, it wont be a tool i use to protect myself or a way to guard myself from hurt. Life events have taught me that i can show strength & use strength, so that others would know they cant hurt me, that i am unmoved, un-phased & unbothered - or that even if they tried, i would be fine. This in itself is a catch 22 - for in building a wall so high & so impenetrable, yes I have mostly managed to keep any catastrophic hurt at bay, but I have also left myself isolated and unable to trust or depend on anyone. 

So now I owe it to myself to learn balance. To learn that whilst solitude is incredibly invigorating and personally needed to recharge, that finding the right people & allowing vulnerable connections will also fire up this new version I know is emerging. To trust in myself, to allow energy to flow, to not hold things so tightly, to forgive myself for past mistakes, to let go of the need to have the answer to everything, let go of the need to know everything will work out - to instead trust in myself that I will handle whatever comes next. To know that happiness is not a final destination, instead is to be felt through each day, noticed in the smallest of moments and appreciated when it comes.