Loving you changed me.
Not in a, you changed the foundations of who i am and rocked me to my very core way. You changed me in a way I could never have done for myself - because it required pain i'd never inflict on myself. You broke down walls I had unknowingly built within my own mind, based on fear of change & fear of the unknown, fear of myself.
I have looked for you in every single person I have met, for a place to call home, for someone who felt familiar the moment that I met them, for someone who felt safe, a person I could confide all of my secrets in & know they would still love me - even the broken parts, someone who just understood me, who got me.
When you walked into my life, you came dressed as everything wrong. You didnt look the way i thought you would, your personality was soft, shy & reserved, I honestly didnt think you would be able to handle me, your life choices where not ones i would ever condone & you where completely wrong for me. But that is what made you so perfectly right. You are who you are & you never apologise for it. You felt familiar from the moment our energy connected, from the second you turned around, that was it, I was yours & you where home. I cannot explain it to anyone, because it sounds ridiculous.
Recently I have begun to realise that you have been a profound moment of impact, a catalyst of sorts, to guide me to one of the biggest lessons I have had to navigate through. Learning to let go. Not coincidently at all, I have resisted this more than any other emotional hurdle in my entire life - nothing has been as hard as learning to let go & trust in the timing of everything happening in my life. At first, I took this quite literally, you wanting me to let you leave my life and to give up the idea of us ever being together, but as the distance between us has grown, my ability to see things as they are has become more clear.
Over the past year, in particular the last 6 months, your presence in my life has never been subtle, bringing with you messages the universe wanted us to experience, whether we liked it or not. You've been a person I could confide honestly in, sometimes without actually confiding in you directly. I have been able to express anything and everything that my subconscious has dug up, sift through it, turn it inside out & upside down and then make sense of where it fits in my emotional journey of healing.
Falling in love with you wasnt a profound moment, it was more just matter of fact, I felt it instantly & there was no backing out of it. So while I understand the concept of appreciating the lessons in everything, I cannot help but feel resistance to this simply being a lesson, a bitter disappointment that the universe would bring someone into my life like you, only for it to be about growth. There is no question that I have the strength for it, its fine, ill do it, but there is still a part of me that just doesnt believe this is the end. Maybe its my intuition, maybe its my stubbornness, maybe im insane, whatever the case, I know our paths will cross again & maybe those people will finally have it together.
Im not sure if you are my forever, but I do know, that I will be forever grateful for you coming into my life.
From the outside looking in, anyone would be forgiven for thinking we're both fucking insane, playing with fire & asking for trouble, but i think we both knew & still know that some people are simply drawn to each other for reasons we just can't explain & don't really even understand ourselves.
So, no matter where you go, or what you do; know that I loved you once, that will always be safe in my heart, because no matter what I was to you, you mattered to me.
