Wait for the one who....
How many endings to this sentence have you heard?
How many times have you been told this whilst you mop up the hot salty stream of tears spilling down your face?
How many wait for the one's have been used to bandaid over the wreckage of your heart?
Given as make shift hope that you used to glue back together the pieces of the person you once where, now left scattered...
Wait for the one who...
The truth is, you need to stop waiting & start living.
Stop holding your breath as you wait to see if this one will leave too
Let go
If you are constantly aching over an ending that hasnt come yet, you are missing the now that is right in front of you.
You are missing your life.
This is it. Right now. This moment.
You cant predict what is going to happen in the next hour let alone the next 6 months.
What is stopping you? Fear?
Let that shit go.
Trust that you deserve good things.
You deserve GREAT things.
And they will come
Tuesday
Truth, Vulnerability and Him
You got the boy.
Your wish came true.
The last four months have been a blur of anxiety, of walls being torn down around you, of pure & utter fear.
Of breaking habits, of fighting patterns.
Of choosing not to run.
Yet he has no idea.
Not.A.Clue
He will never know the internal battles you fight every single day.
Your body in constant flight mode.
Your mind forever conflicted.
Your heart desperate to stay safe.
You keep it together.
You keep it together.
Put on your brave face.
You dont cry
You dont let him see the pain.
The fear.
You smile & you laugh.
You keep it together.
For him
For them
Because if he see's it, any of it. If he senses the imperfections.
He will leave.
Because he doesn't need you.
He doesnt choose you.
His walls are impenetrable & no matter how patient you are, how perfect you are, how helpful or nurturing or loving you are. He will still leave.
He doesnt choose you.
His walls are impenetrable & no matter how patient you are, how perfect you are, how helpful or nurturing or loving you are. He will still leave.
He will still leave.
So this relationship is going to be a lesson.
It is going to hurt. And you are going to let it.
It wont break you down
It will break you up.
You will let the pain in. You will face the things you fear.
You will face the people who have left you.
The people who have let you down.
The people who didnt love you
The ones who told you you werent enough.
It's ok to let it hurt you, its ok to feel it, to acknowledge it.
But you will stay true to your heart.
You will bend if you choose.
But you will remain steadfast & true to the girl you know you are.
You will not put your life on pause for a boy who only half loves you.
You will not wait for the phone to ring.
You wont wait for him to choose you.
You wont wait.
You will fill your life with the things you love
You wont wait for him to choose you.
You wont wait.
You will fill your life with the things you love
With the people who love you. Truly
Who see you. Who truly see you.
You didn't work this hard to only come this far.
It's ok to love him.
Its also ok to let him go.
You are loved. You are safe.
Thursday
The Unmasking
Writing used to come to easily to me, words would flow freely, my emotions would become clear and all of the sections of my life that I struggled to make sense of would come into focus. But i havent written in the longest time, I feel rusty, like an unused bicycle, squeaky and stiff.
When my life feels like chaos, i would always feel at home here, in the space of creativity and no expectations. Writing for the sake of writing, means that it doesnt matter how it sounds, how it flows or even if it makes sense - it simply just is.
My life right now feels like season 9 of a TV series, nothing is going right, everything is chaos and all of the characters are just standing there thinking 'what the fuck'... No section of my life is going amazingly, every part seems to be doing just ok - which for someone with exceptionally high standards, this should be sending me into a stage 5 panic - surprisingly I just feel on edge, anxious but not like the reigns of my life are beyond my grasp.
Right now, I am struggling to step into the version of myself that I want to be. Simply because she is still unfamiliar. Change & growth is uncomfortable for this exact reason - it is easy to be who you have always been, you know her. You know her voice, her thoughts, her reactions, her emotions, her needs, her wants, how she loves, how she hurts, how she copes... you know every inch of her. Stripping away parts of you that no longer serve who you want to be, means letting go of familiarity and comfort and somehow finding a way to just sit in the unfamiliar. And so I come here... to let the words flow, to let the fears rise to the surface in a place I know to be safe, in a place I dont feel like I need to have it all figured out.
When I sit down to write, i never know where the writing will take me, i have always been of the mind that if you sit down, the pen will lead you.. or in this case the keyboard. Sometimes I think I know why im feeling a way & i start to write, 20 minutes later i find myself 15 layers deep in an event that happened a lifetime ago that I had no idea was still linked to my present. That is how powerful it can be to just simply sit and write.... it is cathartic.
I no longer want to have small, trivial, meaningless conversations, I simply do not resonate with gossip or chatter for the sake of it, it doesnt move me - it is just noise.
I dont care how your day was... in the sense that I dont want to hear just 'good'... I want to know what moved you today, what inspired you, what changed you, what made your heart sing. I need to be surrounded by those who encourage the fires within me to burn brighter, not people who are afraid of being burned and insist I smoulder quietly. I need space to be held for me whilst i settle into this new version of myself, whilst i adjust my voice, my views, my thoughts & my actions, understanding from those who look to me as a pillar of familiarity, needing from me the foundation of strength and support they have come to rely on.
I have written previously about stepping away from being the 'strong girl' & i feel it even more now, there is a sense of urgency now to let that girl go. Whilst i always will have strength, the way that I feel this and want this to show is different now. I will always be reliable & dependable, I will always be a safe place for those who i love. But now, 'strength' will not be a force, it wont be hostile, it wont be a tool i use to protect myself or a way to guard myself from hurt. Life events have taught me that i can show strength & use strength, so that others would know they cant hurt me, that i am unmoved, un-phased & unbothered - or that even if they tried, i would be fine. This in itself is a catch 22 - for in building a wall so high & so impenetrable, yes I have mostly managed to keep any catastrophic hurt at bay, but I have also left myself isolated and unable to trust or depend on anyone.
So now I owe it to myself to learn balance. To learn that whilst solitude is incredibly invigorating and personally needed to recharge, that finding the right people & allowing vulnerable connections will also fire up this new version I know is emerging. To trust in myself, to allow energy to flow, to not hold things so tightly, to forgive myself for past mistakes, to let go of the need to have the answer to everything, let go of the need to know everything will work out - to instead trust in myself that I will handle whatever comes next. To know that happiness is not a final destination, instead is to be felt through each day, noticed in the smallest of moments and appreciated when it comes.
When my life feels like chaos, i would always feel at home here, in the space of creativity and no expectations. Writing for the sake of writing, means that it doesnt matter how it sounds, how it flows or even if it makes sense - it simply just is.
My life right now feels like season 9 of a TV series, nothing is going right, everything is chaos and all of the characters are just standing there thinking 'what the fuck'... No section of my life is going amazingly, every part seems to be doing just ok - which for someone with exceptionally high standards, this should be sending me into a stage 5 panic - surprisingly I just feel on edge, anxious but not like the reigns of my life are beyond my grasp.
Right now, I am struggling to step into the version of myself that I want to be. Simply because she is still unfamiliar. Change & growth is uncomfortable for this exact reason - it is easy to be who you have always been, you know her. You know her voice, her thoughts, her reactions, her emotions, her needs, her wants, how she loves, how she hurts, how she copes... you know every inch of her. Stripping away parts of you that no longer serve who you want to be, means letting go of familiarity and comfort and somehow finding a way to just sit in the unfamiliar. And so I come here... to let the words flow, to let the fears rise to the surface in a place I know to be safe, in a place I dont feel like I need to have it all figured out.
When I sit down to write, i never know where the writing will take me, i have always been of the mind that if you sit down, the pen will lead you.. or in this case the keyboard. Sometimes I think I know why im feeling a way & i start to write, 20 minutes later i find myself 15 layers deep in an event that happened a lifetime ago that I had no idea was still linked to my present. That is how powerful it can be to just simply sit and write.... it is cathartic.
I no longer want to have small, trivial, meaningless conversations, I simply do not resonate with gossip or chatter for the sake of it, it doesnt move me - it is just noise.
I dont care how your day was... in the sense that I dont want to hear just 'good'... I want to know what moved you today, what inspired you, what changed you, what made your heart sing. I need to be surrounded by those who encourage the fires within me to burn brighter, not people who are afraid of being burned and insist I smoulder quietly. I need space to be held for me whilst i settle into this new version of myself, whilst i adjust my voice, my views, my thoughts & my actions, understanding from those who look to me as a pillar of familiarity, needing from me the foundation of strength and support they have come to rely on.
I have written previously about stepping away from being the 'strong girl' & i feel it even more now, there is a sense of urgency now to let that girl go. Whilst i always will have strength, the way that I feel this and want this to show is different now. I will always be reliable & dependable, I will always be a safe place for those who i love. But now, 'strength' will not be a force, it wont be hostile, it wont be a tool i use to protect myself or a way to guard myself from hurt. Life events have taught me that i can show strength & use strength, so that others would know they cant hurt me, that i am unmoved, un-phased & unbothered - or that even if they tried, i would be fine. This in itself is a catch 22 - for in building a wall so high & so impenetrable, yes I have mostly managed to keep any catastrophic hurt at bay, but I have also left myself isolated and unable to trust or depend on anyone.
So now I owe it to myself to learn balance. To learn that whilst solitude is incredibly invigorating and personally needed to recharge, that finding the right people & allowing vulnerable connections will also fire up this new version I know is emerging. To trust in myself, to allow energy to flow, to not hold things so tightly, to forgive myself for past mistakes, to let go of the need to have the answer to everything, let go of the need to know everything will work out - to instead trust in myself that I will handle whatever comes next. To know that happiness is not a final destination, instead is to be felt through each day, noticed in the smallest of moments and appreciated when it comes.
Dear Rohan
Loving you changed me.
Not in a, you changed the foundations of who i am and rocked me to my very core way. You changed me in a way I could never have done for myself - because it required pain i'd never inflict on myself. You broke down walls I had unknowingly built within my own mind, based on fear of change & fear of the unknown, fear of myself.
I have looked for you in every single person I have met, for a place to call home, for someone who felt familiar the moment that I met them, for someone who felt safe, a person I could confide all of my secrets in & know they would still love me - even the broken parts, someone who just understood me, who got me.
When you walked into my life, you came dressed as everything wrong. You didnt look the way i thought you would, your personality was soft, shy & reserved, I honestly didnt think you would be able to handle me, your life choices where not ones i would ever condone & you where completely wrong for me. But that is what made you so perfectly right. You are who you are & you never apologise for it. You felt familiar from the moment our energy connected, from the second you turned around, that was it, I was yours & you where home. I cannot explain it to anyone, because it sounds ridiculous.
Recently I have begun to realise that you have been a profound moment of impact, a catalyst of sorts, to guide me to one of the biggest lessons I have had to navigate through. Learning to let go. Not coincidently at all, I have resisted this more than any other emotional hurdle in my entire life - nothing has been as hard as learning to let go & trust in the timing of everything happening in my life. At first, I took this quite literally, you wanting me to let you leave my life and to give up the idea of us ever being together, but as the distance between us has grown, my ability to see things as they are has become more clear.
Over the past year, in particular the last 6 months, your presence in my life has never been subtle, bringing with you messages the universe wanted us to experience, whether we liked it or not. You've been a person I could confide honestly in, sometimes without actually confiding in you directly. I have been able to express anything and everything that my subconscious has dug up, sift through it, turn it inside out & upside down and then make sense of where it fits in my emotional journey of healing.
Falling in love with you wasnt a profound moment, it was more just matter of fact, I felt it instantly & there was no backing out of it. So while I understand the concept of appreciating the lessons in everything, I cannot help but feel resistance to this simply being a lesson, a bitter disappointment that the universe would bring someone into my life like you, only for it to be about growth. There is no question that I have the strength for it, its fine, ill do it, but there is still a part of me that just doesnt believe this is the end. Maybe its my intuition, maybe its my stubbornness, maybe im insane, whatever the case, I know our paths will cross again & maybe those people will finally have it together.
Im not sure if you are my forever, but I do know, that I will be forever grateful for you coming into my life.
From the outside looking in, anyone would be forgiven for thinking we're both fucking insane, playing with fire & asking for trouble, but i think we both knew & still know that some people are simply drawn to each other for reasons we just can't explain & don't really even understand ourselves.
So, no matter where you go, or what you do; know that I loved you once, that will always be safe in my heart, because no matter what I was to you, you mattered to me.
Not in a, you changed the foundations of who i am and rocked me to my very core way. You changed me in a way I could never have done for myself - because it required pain i'd never inflict on myself. You broke down walls I had unknowingly built within my own mind, based on fear of change & fear of the unknown, fear of myself.
I have looked for you in every single person I have met, for a place to call home, for someone who felt familiar the moment that I met them, for someone who felt safe, a person I could confide all of my secrets in & know they would still love me - even the broken parts, someone who just understood me, who got me.
When you walked into my life, you came dressed as everything wrong. You didnt look the way i thought you would, your personality was soft, shy & reserved, I honestly didnt think you would be able to handle me, your life choices where not ones i would ever condone & you where completely wrong for me. But that is what made you so perfectly right. You are who you are & you never apologise for it. You felt familiar from the moment our energy connected, from the second you turned around, that was it, I was yours & you where home. I cannot explain it to anyone, because it sounds ridiculous.
Recently I have begun to realise that you have been a profound moment of impact, a catalyst of sorts, to guide me to one of the biggest lessons I have had to navigate through. Learning to let go. Not coincidently at all, I have resisted this more than any other emotional hurdle in my entire life - nothing has been as hard as learning to let go & trust in the timing of everything happening in my life. At first, I took this quite literally, you wanting me to let you leave my life and to give up the idea of us ever being together, but as the distance between us has grown, my ability to see things as they are has become more clear.
Over the past year, in particular the last 6 months, your presence in my life has never been subtle, bringing with you messages the universe wanted us to experience, whether we liked it or not. You've been a person I could confide honestly in, sometimes without actually confiding in you directly. I have been able to express anything and everything that my subconscious has dug up, sift through it, turn it inside out & upside down and then make sense of where it fits in my emotional journey of healing.
Falling in love with you wasnt a profound moment, it was more just matter of fact, I felt it instantly & there was no backing out of it. So while I understand the concept of appreciating the lessons in everything, I cannot help but feel resistance to this simply being a lesson, a bitter disappointment that the universe would bring someone into my life like you, only for it to be about growth. There is no question that I have the strength for it, its fine, ill do it, but there is still a part of me that just doesnt believe this is the end. Maybe its my intuition, maybe its my stubbornness, maybe im insane, whatever the case, I know our paths will cross again & maybe those people will finally have it together.
Im not sure if you are my forever, but I do know, that I will be forever grateful for you coming into my life.
From the outside looking in, anyone would be forgiven for thinking we're both fucking insane, playing with fire & asking for trouble, but i think we both knew & still know that some people are simply drawn to each other for reasons we just can't explain & don't really even understand ourselves.
So, no matter where you go, or what you do; know that I loved you once, that will always be safe in my heart, because no matter what I was to you, you mattered to me.
Wednesday
Letting Go.. Part 1 of Unknown Amount of Parts
Recently I have found myself wondering what happened to the carefree, somewhat reckless version of myself. The girl who genuinely wasn't phased by other people's opinions or expectations of her... and then it hit me, with age comes a certain 'expectation'. Turning 29, Im an adult, I should be at an adult stage of life - never mind society's expectation of me, there where things that I thought I would have achieved by now, goals i should have reached, stages of life i should be at.
Over the course of many years of carefree, go with the flow, yes at times reckless behaviour, I came to a turning point where I was forced to clean up my life or lose all of my friends. At the time I genuinely thought it was what I needed to do, and yes to a degree i did, but somehow, somewhere along the way a message was lodged into my subconscious that I wasn't good enough unless I was perfect and now, people expected me to have my shit together; mistakes & failure where not an option. The only way to ensure that I didnt fail to meet everyone's expectations of me, was to remain in control of every aspect of my life. Let me tell you a secret that all control freaks never want to admit... it is fucking exhausting & stressful working so hard to appear 'together'... and quite frankly, im kind of over it... I dont think I will ever be the kind of person to completely let go, my high standards & expectations of life would never allow it, but I'm definitely ready to loosen the reigns. A fucking lot.
Recently, Ive come to another turning point in my life, this time not forced, but gently coaxed by the higher forces. Now, i find myself being sent back down all of these little paths i have taken on my journey, to take note of any trauma that i need to heal. At first I didnt have a clue where to begin, my need to try and control the situation kicked in, but its not up to my conscious mind, my subconscious will lead me to wherever i need to be & that is where i begin... So here I am - event number one on my journey of discovering where I accidentally dropped my soul and broke it.
Healing is a process, a long fucking process and by pure chance, the point at which all of this subconscious message engraining happened, was at a time i was healing a whole bunch of other issues. So even in our healing processes we can accidentally or subconsciously learn things that are harmful to us. And this isnt to say you are forever fucked, its just that healing is a complicated and long as fuck process... you're still living your life whilst going through the healing, so you have to be prepared to do the work & understand that its hard & sometimes messy and almost the whole time, frustrating as hell. You become so aware of yourself and aware of what you need, aware of what needs to heal and you just don't understand why it needs to be so fucking complicated.... well thing is... you're healing your heart & your soul and you also need to enlist the help of both your conscious and subconscious mind to lead you to all the memories that are holding the energies that need to be let go of... so yeah. Its. A. Process.
SO, my need to appear to have my shit together, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is the root source of my anxiety. Most of my growth & counselling sessions haven't really pushed me to an uncomfortable place because I was aware of all of my issues & flaws & I was pretty comfortable with owning them, I was aware of my past & id had time to get friendly with it... So diving into the past was no big deal, sorting through it, all good - because I felt like i was in control of the situation. I was choosing to go back there, I was choosing to get better, I was choosing it all. Letting go of control, is quite literally a conundrum - it is the opposite of what I know how to do, i cannot control the process of letting go, so in order to find the girl that I used to be, the carefree, go with the flow person that I lost along the way, I must completely surrender to the process.
And fuck me. I've never been so uncomfortable in my whole life.
Over the course of many years of carefree, go with the flow, yes at times reckless behaviour, I came to a turning point where I was forced to clean up my life or lose all of my friends. At the time I genuinely thought it was what I needed to do, and yes to a degree i did, but somehow, somewhere along the way a message was lodged into my subconscious that I wasn't good enough unless I was perfect and now, people expected me to have my shit together; mistakes & failure where not an option. The only way to ensure that I didnt fail to meet everyone's expectations of me, was to remain in control of every aspect of my life. Let me tell you a secret that all control freaks never want to admit... it is fucking exhausting & stressful working so hard to appear 'together'... and quite frankly, im kind of over it... I dont think I will ever be the kind of person to completely let go, my high standards & expectations of life would never allow it, but I'm definitely ready to loosen the reigns. A fucking lot.
Recently, Ive come to another turning point in my life, this time not forced, but gently coaxed by the higher forces. Now, i find myself being sent back down all of these little paths i have taken on my journey, to take note of any trauma that i need to heal. At first I didnt have a clue where to begin, my need to try and control the situation kicked in, but its not up to my conscious mind, my subconscious will lead me to wherever i need to be & that is where i begin... So here I am - event number one on my journey of discovering where I accidentally dropped my soul and broke it.
Healing is a process, a long fucking process and by pure chance, the point at which all of this subconscious message engraining happened, was at a time i was healing a whole bunch of other issues. So even in our healing processes we can accidentally or subconsciously learn things that are harmful to us. And this isnt to say you are forever fucked, its just that healing is a complicated and long as fuck process... you're still living your life whilst going through the healing, so you have to be prepared to do the work & understand that its hard & sometimes messy and almost the whole time, frustrating as hell. You become so aware of yourself and aware of what you need, aware of what needs to heal and you just don't understand why it needs to be so fucking complicated.... well thing is... you're healing your heart & your soul and you also need to enlist the help of both your conscious and subconscious mind to lead you to all the memories that are holding the energies that need to be let go of... so yeah. Its. A. Process.
SO, my need to appear to have my shit together, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is the root source of my anxiety. Most of my growth & counselling sessions haven't really pushed me to an uncomfortable place because I was aware of all of my issues & flaws & I was pretty comfortable with owning them, I was aware of my past & id had time to get friendly with it... So diving into the past was no big deal, sorting through it, all good - because I felt like i was in control of the situation. I was choosing to go back there, I was choosing to get better, I was choosing it all. Letting go of control, is quite literally a conundrum - it is the opposite of what I know how to do, i cannot control the process of letting go, so in order to find the girl that I used to be, the carefree, go with the flow person that I lost along the way, I must completely surrender to the process.
And fuck me. I've never been so uncomfortable in my whole life.
Thursday
One Year (in Melbourne)
It is amazing how much you learn each and every day, all of the small tiny seemingly insignificant lessons, those little moments that all seem to lead to you those big moments. You don't notice the changes at first, because they're so small & sometimes inconsistent, but slowly each day, bad habits drop away, new good habits form, we doubt ourselves less & find happiness in places that where there all along.
This last year has been a series of small special moments, big wins, a few big dramas but most recently a new found sense of clarity & calm. As a self confessed control freak, I tend to hold everything so closely & tightly for fear of it all falling apart, a lot of the time I dont actually pause to just enjoy the good in the moments. So I was very surprised to find myself rather at ease with my recent resolve to start letting go & having more faith in the universe to send me what I needed, when I needed it, to trust in the moment, trust in the journey & know that whatever situation I was in, was exactly where I was meant to be. And i kid you not, the last few months have just been a series of 'get fucked' moments & laughing at the seemingly coincidental but perfect timing of things.
For the most part, this journey of growth, is fucking hard - sure there are days of pure bliss when you have complete and utter faith that your life is charmed & you will eventually get everything you ever wished for - but please, dont be fooled into thinking that its easy to maintain that blind faith. Trusting in a higher power, trusting that the universe actually has your back, keeping your vibration raised & your heart open takes an incredible amount of discipline & strength; i battle with myself almost daily. I have doubts every single day, but rather than squash them down or brush them aside, I try to listen to my heart & do my best to find a thread of strength & love and redirect my thoughts there.
Moving to Melbourne has been the best thing that I ever did. Finding new friends, a new routine, a job, a blank page in theory was refreshing, in reality it was daunting AF. I had to realllyyyy reach deep to be brave & trust, for a while it seemed nothing would work out & I was just making an epic mess of everything. I was scrambling to keep it together & was so disappointed with myself! My finances where in tatters, my heart had been drop kicked into a brick wall & the company i was keeping was toxic & self serving. I cant tell you how I rolled out of it relatively unscathed, but like I said, it was small choices every day that eventually led me to the most epic time of my life.
I decided at the beginning of this year that I was going to be more 'selfish', not in a negative way, but that this year I would do my best to focus on myself, continue to grow as a person and give myself the very best. The best friends, kind words, a safe environment, a stable home, a good working environment and i would remove all of the toxicity that I had been allowing to exist. No more drama. It has been fucking bliss. From the moment I made that decision, the universe has granted me everything I asked for, I couldnt be more happy or lucky, well lotto wouldnt go astray, but realistically, my heart bursts almost every day. 2018 so far has been epic. The way that I viewed this decision, was that by being selfish, i would be in a better position for others. My beautiful friends & family deserve the very best version of me.
So here's to another lap around the sun & to my last year in my 20's, holy shit. Who knows what it will bring, but im quietly optimistic that this will be my best year yet
xx
This last year has been a series of small special moments, big wins, a few big dramas but most recently a new found sense of clarity & calm. As a self confessed control freak, I tend to hold everything so closely & tightly for fear of it all falling apart, a lot of the time I dont actually pause to just enjoy the good in the moments. So I was very surprised to find myself rather at ease with my recent resolve to start letting go & having more faith in the universe to send me what I needed, when I needed it, to trust in the moment, trust in the journey & know that whatever situation I was in, was exactly where I was meant to be. And i kid you not, the last few months have just been a series of 'get fucked' moments & laughing at the seemingly coincidental but perfect timing of things.
For the most part, this journey of growth, is fucking hard - sure there are days of pure bliss when you have complete and utter faith that your life is charmed & you will eventually get everything you ever wished for - but please, dont be fooled into thinking that its easy to maintain that blind faith. Trusting in a higher power, trusting that the universe actually has your back, keeping your vibration raised & your heart open takes an incredible amount of discipline & strength; i battle with myself almost daily. I have doubts every single day, but rather than squash them down or brush them aside, I try to listen to my heart & do my best to find a thread of strength & love and redirect my thoughts there.
Moving to Melbourne has been the best thing that I ever did. Finding new friends, a new routine, a job, a blank page in theory was refreshing, in reality it was daunting AF. I had to realllyyyy reach deep to be brave & trust, for a while it seemed nothing would work out & I was just making an epic mess of everything. I was scrambling to keep it together & was so disappointed with myself! My finances where in tatters, my heart had been drop kicked into a brick wall & the company i was keeping was toxic & self serving. I cant tell you how I rolled out of it relatively unscathed, but like I said, it was small choices every day that eventually led me to the most epic time of my life.
So here's to another lap around the sun & to my last year in my 20's, holy shit. Who knows what it will bring, but im quietly optimistic that this will be my best year yet
xx
Monday
New Years Eve
525,600 minutes, 8760 hours, 365 days, 52 weeks
One Year
This Year
Your Year
2017
I’m not a fan of new years resolutions, I think
they send out the wrong message to the universe. Like there is this one
singular moment where you have a chance to change. I guess it’s a kind of
placebo, like when someone starts a diet on a Monday instead of a Friday, the
idea of a fresh start, a blank page, a reset button. But in actual fact, you
get a fresh start whenever you decide you want one. You can wake up on the
third Tuesday in May and decide that you’re going to go to the gym, you’re not
going to smoke, you’re going to finish your novel, quit the job you hate or
sell everything you have and move to another country.
January 1st is the ultimate
fresh start, the first day of the first week of the first month of a brand new
year. A brand new you. Such a cliché if you ask me.
2016 was apparently a big fat write off for
everyone, but it was a year of change for me, really good, soul refreshing
change; I quit the career I have had for the best part of the last 10 years
& I went back to school to study the career that I had always wanted, but
never thought possible: fashion. It has been so amazing & so hard at the
same time; I have never been so happy yet so broke! I guess I’d always known
that I was meant to create something, I just wasn’t ever 100% sure what. Don’t
get me wrong; last year had its moments. I questioned myself over & over.
Every time a bill came in, every time an unknown number flashed on my screen,
my heart seemed to stop & my stomach would flip – how the fuck was I going
to pay it? Working part time in order to study was the biggest challenge, it
was insane, there where weeks where my bills where almost double what I earned,
I was constantly chasing my tail & there where a few really close calls
that if not for my mum, I cant say I would have made it through! Yet when I
think about the year I barely even remember those moments! I remember all of
the fun, the excitement, the newness & the sense of purpose I felt knowing
I was doing what my heart wanted. So for 2017 I want more. I don’t
want to set resolutions as such, but I figured I would write this as a reminder
to my future self to read at the end of next year, in the hope that I will have
stayed my course and reached the goals that I want to reach, to hold myself
accountable. Yes I could just delete this & come next year there will be no
evidence, buuut given I’m pretty sure no one reads this, I’d only be cheating
myself out of my very own little time capsule, and whats the fun in that?
So.
Here goes.
The big one.
After three years of being on my own &
focusing on me & only me, I will make a conscious decision to be open to
whatever or whomever comes my way. It isn’t easy to open your heart to love
when you have been burnt by those who have previously been let in, but to shut down,
close off & become hardened doesn’t benefit anyone, least of all me. So
hopefully come December 31st 2017 I will have met someone. Not
just any someone, an incredible someone. They will bring out the absolute best
in me, they will shine in their own light, be ambitious, independent, curious
about life, adventurous, spontaneous, courageous, loving, supportive, honest
& above all they will find happiness in the simplest of things.
I will remain committed to my health. Having a
back injury & a broken arm in 2015 set me back, but 2016 gave me Pilates
& 2017 will have given me back my love for fitness & my strength. Ill
have my best body yet.
This year you better launch one of your labels.
By April, before Autumn/Winter you will have enough jackets ready to launch
& on the backs of a few legends. Commit. Focus. Make a plan and execute it.
Don’t be scared of what anyone will think, in fact don’t think of anyone at
all. Remain dedicated to your own life & your purpose
Move to Melbourne. Just move. It’s time.
***Edit the above was written in January, I'm
only coming back to it in May & have executed two of my goals... working on
the other two, cant really force one & well.. you know, cant force myself
to exercise either, I'm very stubborn...
So for the second half of this year, lets assess
what I would like to see by December... I think really, the only last remaining
irritation in my life is my absolute disastrous handling of
money.
Sooo i guess my final note to self, is sort your
life out. Work harder, Make more money & don't piss it up the wall, get on
top of your bills, get organised & get ahead. no matter what it
takes.
There you have it, the five top priorities of
2017. Love, Career, Health, Life & Wealth
the switch
There are moments in time that I am so incredibly in love with my life, so utterly obsessed with every single moment.
And others I feel the unbearable weight of every doubt & fear I have ever harboured in my mind, it is an indescribable heartache, every inch of my body terrified.
These are described as the highs and lows of depression.
I disagree. I believe this is just life.
I am not a doctor, so I guess i'm in no position to disagree with a medical professional, but I am a human being & as such I am entitled to an opinion. And in my opinion, it is human feel the lows. You're just not meant to unpack & live there. It's like creepy uncle Franks house, you stop in just for good measure so you can appreciate the fact you don't have to go back until next Christmas.
My experience has been just that, MY experience & others have had THEIR experience. I often hear the line "oh but there are people dying in *insert 3rd world country*" given as a perspective point, but i personally find this statement an insult. You cannot discredit someone's worst by comparing it to something they haven't experienced! In fact, who are you to discredit how they feel at all? Their worst is the worst they have experienced, it doesn't make it less or more than the worst that I have experienced. Im not saying this in relation to war, so don't roll your eyes just yet - that is my exact point, you cannot compare my worst year to a moment in theirs, it is incomparable. So i feel like people who say this are also somewhat discrediting the immensity of just how bad it is in those countries! ANYWAY, back on subject. My point is comparison is not the key to perspective.
Depression is a huge umbrella, there are different kinds, different triggers, different reasons and different "fixes". I do not believe that depression comes from nowhere, I believe it is our body and mind's way of telling us that we have something in our past that we need to resolve, whether we consciously are aware of it or not. This is not always the whole truth, for some I do believe that they may have a chemical imbalance that makes their lows unbearable & in those cases, sometimes medication is needed to help - alongside a life coach or psychologist. I say "I believe it" because I am not a doctor & I can only base my opinion on my experience, and the lows that I have experienced have been insanely scary. There where some very close calls for me and I am, by my own judgment and many others, a very strong person. What scared me the most though was feeling nothing, of being in an almost catatonic, blank state of mind. In all of these times I can remember feeling worried for myself & simply desperate to feel something again. I have had 1000 moments where I have felt so exhausted, so depleted and just tired of having to be so strong all the time, wondering what "test" the universe had in store for me next - I had nothing left to give. I wanted to give up & give in to the darkness. But I never did, my fire never completely went out & each day I woke up and willed my heart to beat another day and promised myself that it would get better. And it did.
I have had a life coach since the age of 15 to deal with my catastrophe of a childhood & I am still learning now about what a complex web my parents weaved for me. My waves of depression can come at any moment on any day, even if absolutely nothing is wrong. It used to be pretty scary for me, I would shut off from people as I didn't want to burden them with my misery. I would simply wait it out. It took me an incredibly long time to learn to let someone in, to learn that just opening the door will let a little light in. In the last year I have had the least low swings of my entire life. They have still come here & there, but they have been shorter & less heavy each time. My heart has been winning the war against the tricks my mind likes to play.
We have unconsciously trained our minds to revel in misery, to wallow in self pity and focus on what we don't have or what we wish we had. We need to RE-TRAIN our minds! And it really isn't that complex. Finding just three things each morning that you are grateful for, that you appreciate & feel lucky to have will change your days, maybe you wont see it at first, but if you commit to this for 30 days, I promise you will start to feel a little lighter. Slowly, but you will feel it. By acknowledging the good, you are setting your mind up to continue noticing the good throughout the day & to not give so much power to the bad things that happen.
Our journeys are all different, so i guess technically we are alone in it, but if we're all alone then we're all alone together.
If you are feeling totally and utterly lost, don't trust in me & my words, trust in you & how amazing & special & incredible you are. You are heartbreakingly beautiful, undeniably irreplaceable & so so loved
Our journeys are all different, so i guess technically we are alone in it, but if we're all alone then we're all alone together.
If you are feeling totally and utterly lost, don't trust in me & my words, trust in you & how amazing & special & incredible you are. You are heartbreakingly beautiful, undeniably irreplaceable & so so loved
falling in love
It's been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.
Yet it is said that we need each of these loves for different reasons.
Often our first is when we are young. It is the "idealistic love"; the one that seems like the fairytales we are all read as children. It is a love that looks right.
I can tell you this one is such epic truth, it's screaming out from the hidden memories of my past. This one will seem hard, but it is nothing compared to what is to come. To describe my first relationship from an outside point of view replays in my mind over and over "You looked like the perfect couple, Barbie & Ken". And i couldn't argue this. We did look like the perfect couple, but it wasn't real, it wasnt a forever love, it was only an image we projected, not with malice or lies, but we where both young and 'in love'. But it was only the beginning, for both of us. So much to each learn about ourselves still.
The second is supposed to be our "hard love"; the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we want or need to be loved. Sometimes its unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. It is the love that we wished was right. The one we fight so hard for & bend ourselves in half trying to make work.
Again, I can write you a beautiful tragic love story of this very nature, one of innocent, unconditional, soul crushing love. It is an epic love story, but without the happy ending. From an outside point of view, nobody could understand it other than us, we where two demons playing with fire, having the time of our lives & falling in love in a way he wasn't ready or prepared for & that ended in a way I never saw coming. It taught me strength I never knew I had, forgiveness I never thought i was capable of, it made me hard, closed off, reckless & distraught for a time, but through the learning & healing of it, it allowed me to find a stillness within myself that I never knew I had. There is still a tender place in my heart that will be there I think until the end of time, a small bruise of longing for what never was, a pulse of unfinished business. The mention of his name pushes and pulls at me in a hundred ways & when I try to put it into words, even to myself, I find that words fail. For me, this terrifies me. My biggest fear in life used to be ending up alone. Now my biggest fear I have is meeting someone who is everything I never knew I ever wanted & not being able to love them enough, not being able to give them enough of myself. I am so scared of my heart still being attached to this almost love, the love that never quite had its time. I will be stuck in a time that does not exist & miss out on an epic love.
The third is the love we never saw coming. The one that usually comes dressed as all wrong for us & that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be.
It's the love that just feels right.
Maybe we don't all experience these loves in this lifetime. Maybe none of you can relate, but perhaps thats just because you aren't ready to. Maybe we need a whole lifetime to learn, or maybe if we're lucky it only takes a few years. The days and months following my last relationship where some of the darkest moments of my life. So for me, the thought of my next relationship, scares the absolute life out of me. I envy those people who fall in love just once & remain so passionately in love their whole lives.
Some believe they are the lucky ones. But I disagree. I think that those who make it to their third love are the lucky ones.
They are the ones who have fought on courageously, ever faithful in their pursuit of love, despite the shattered pieces of their broken hearts scattered on the floor, despite the roaring doubts in their minds convincing them that they are too broken, too hard to love.
But they aren't too broken, they aren't hard to love ; it's just a matter of finding someone who loves the same way you do.
And maybe there is something special about our first love & something heartbreakingly unique about our second, but trust me when I say the third will be worth it. Worth all of the endless nights you lay awake clutching at your chest, willing your heart to beat another day, worth all of the tears that soaked your pillows every night, worth each moment you doubted that you would ever be happy again.
He will be the one you never saw coming
The one that takes your breath away
That looks at you & sees you
The one that lasts
I promise you.
Yet it is said that we need each of these loves for different reasons.
Often our first is when we are young. It is the "idealistic love"; the one that seems like the fairytales we are all read as children. It is a love that looks right.
I can tell you this one is such epic truth, it's screaming out from the hidden memories of my past. This one will seem hard, but it is nothing compared to what is to come. To describe my first relationship from an outside point of view replays in my mind over and over "You looked like the perfect couple, Barbie & Ken". And i couldn't argue this. We did look like the perfect couple, but it wasn't real, it wasnt a forever love, it was only an image we projected, not with malice or lies, but we where both young and 'in love'. But it was only the beginning, for both of us. So much to each learn about ourselves still.
The second is supposed to be our "hard love"; the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we want or need to be loved. Sometimes its unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. It is the love that we wished was right. The one we fight so hard for & bend ourselves in half trying to make work.
Again, I can write you a beautiful tragic love story of this very nature, one of innocent, unconditional, soul crushing love. It is an epic love story, but without the happy ending. From an outside point of view, nobody could understand it other than us, we where two demons playing with fire, having the time of our lives & falling in love in a way he wasn't ready or prepared for & that ended in a way I never saw coming. It taught me strength I never knew I had, forgiveness I never thought i was capable of, it made me hard, closed off, reckless & distraught for a time, but through the learning & healing of it, it allowed me to find a stillness within myself that I never knew I had. There is still a tender place in my heart that will be there I think until the end of time, a small bruise of longing for what never was, a pulse of unfinished business. The mention of his name pushes and pulls at me in a hundred ways & when I try to put it into words, even to myself, I find that words fail. For me, this terrifies me. My biggest fear in life used to be ending up alone. Now my biggest fear I have is meeting someone who is everything I never knew I ever wanted & not being able to love them enough, not being able to give them enough of myself. I am so scared of my heart still being attached to this almost love, the love that never quite had its time. I will be stuck in a time that does not exist & miss out on an epic love.
The third is the love we never saw coming. The one that usually comes dressed as all wrong for us & that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be.
It's the love that just feels right.
Maybe we don't all experience these loves in this lifetime. Maybe none of you can relate, but perhaps thats just because you aren't ready to. Maybe we need a whole lifetime to learn, or maybe if we're lucky it only takes a few years. The days and months following my last relationship where some of the darkest moments of my life. So for me, the thought of my next relationship, scares the absolute life out of me. I envy those people who fall in love just once & remain so passionately in love their whole lives.
Some believe they are the lucky ones. But I disagree. I think that those who make it to their third love are the lucky ones.
They are the ones who have fought on courageously, ever faithful in their pursuit of love, despite the shattered pieces of their broken hearts scattered on the floor, despite the roaring doubts in their minds convincing them that they are too broken, too hard to love.
But they aren't too broken, they aren't hard to love ; it's just a matter of finding someone who loves the same way you do.
And maybe there is something special about our first love & something heartbreakingly unique about our second, but trust me when I say the third will be worth it. Worth all of the endless nights you lay awake clutching at your chest, willing your heart to beat another day, worth all of the tears that soaked your pillows every night, worth each moment you doubted that you would ever be happy again.
He will be the one you never saw coming
The one that takes your breath away
That looks at you & sees you
The one that lasts
I promise you.
Friday
almosts
It's a funny things almosts
A job you almost got, a house you almost owned, a decision you almost made
A boy, you almost loved.
The feeling of missing something you almost had, memories you could have made - it's a feeling that's hard to describe.
Coming this close, to everything you ever wanted, being able to breathe it in & wrap it around you, your heart let itself drop that barrier of protection for just a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to let hope creep in.
It's different to the yearning you feel for something you want - when you have a dream, you have fire, you know that you can work toward it, you have excitement & determination, passion & you are fearless in your pursuit.
To miss something you almost had, is like someone pouring ice on your fire. It won't put it out straight away, it will be a shock to its core, slowly diminishing, while the flames around it flicker with hope and struggle to stay alight; all the while knowing that it's fighting a hopeless battle & eventually going to go out & all you will be left with are the ashes of almost.
Coming this close, to everything you ever wanted, being able to breathe it in & wrap it around you, your heart let itself drop that barrier of protection for just a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to let hope creep in.
It's different to the yearning you feel for something you want - when you have a dream, you have fire, you know that you can work toward it, you have excitement & determination, passion & you are fearless in your pursuit.
To miss something you almost had, is like someone pouring ice on your fire. It won't put it out straight away, it will be a shock to its core, slowly diminishing, while the flames around it flicker with hope and struggle to stay alight; all the while knowing that it's fighting a hopeless battle & eventually going to go out & all you will be left with are the ashes of almost.
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