Loving you changed me.
Not in a, you changed the foundations of who i am and rocked me to my very core way. You changed me in a way I could never have done for myself - because it required pain i'd never inflict on myself. You broke down walls I had unknowingly built within my own mind, based on fear of change & fear of the unknown, fear of myself.
I have looked for you in every single person I have met, for a place to call home, for someone who felt familiar the moment that I met them, for someone who felt safe, a person I could confide all of my secrets in & know they would still love me - even the broken parts, someone who just understood me, who got me.
When you walked into my life, you came dressed as everything wrong. You didnt look the way i thought you would, your personality was soft, shy & reserved, I honestly didnt think you would be able to handle me, your life choices where not ones i would ever condone & you where completely wrong for me. But that is what made you so perfectly right. You are who you are & you never apologise for it. You felt familiar from the moment our energy connected, from the second you turned around, that was it, I was yours & you where home. I cannot explain it to anyone, because it sounds ridiculous.
Recently I have begun to realise that you have been a profound moment of impact, a catalyst of sorts, to guide me to one of the biggest lessons I have had to navigate through. Learning to let go. Not coincidently at all, I have resisted this more than any other emotional hurdle in my entire life - nothing has been as hard as learning to let go & trust in the timing of everything happening in my life. At first, I took this quite literally, you wanting me to let you leave my life and to give up the idea of us ever being together, but as the distance between us has grown, my ability to see things as they are has become more clear.
Over the past year, in particular the last 6 months, your presence in my life has never been subtle, bringing with you messages the universe wanted us to experience, whether we liked it or not. You've been a person I could confide honestly in, sometimes without actually confiding in you directly. I have been able to express anything and everything that my subconscious has dug up, sift through it, turn it inside out & upside down and then make sense of where it fits in my emotional journey of healing.
Falling in love with you wasnt a profound moment, it was more just matter of fact, I felt it instantly & there was no backing out of it. So while I understand the concept of appreciating the lessons in everything, I cannot help but feel resistance to this simply being a lesson, a bitter disappointment that the universe would bring someone into my life like you, only for it to be about growth. There is no question that I have the strength for it, its fine, ill do it, but there is still a part of me that just doesnt believe this is the end. Maybe its my intuition, maybe its my stubbornness, maybe im insane, whatever the case, I know our paths will cross again & maybe those people will finally have it together.
Im not sure if you are my forever, but I do know, that I will be forever grateful for you coming into my life.
From the outside looking in, anyone would be forgiven for thinking we're both fucking insane, playing with fire & asking for trouble, but i think we both knew & still know that some people are simply drawn to each other for reasons we just can't explain & don't really even understand ourselves.
So, no matter where you go, or what you do; know that I loved you once, that will always be safe in my heart, because no matter what I was to you, you mattered to me.
Thursday
Wednesday
Letting Go.. Part 1 of Unknown Amount of Parts
Recently I have found myself wondering what happened to the carefree, somewhat reckless version of myself. The girl who genuinely wasn't phased by other people's opinions or expectations of her... and then it hit me, with age comes a certain 'expectation'. Turning 29, Im an adult, I should be at an adult stage of life - never mind society's expectation of me, there where things that I thought I would have achieved by now, goals i should have reached, stages of life i should be at.
Over the course of many years of carefree, go with the flow, yes at times reckless behaviour, I came to a turning point where I was forced to clean up my life or lose all of my friends. At the time I genuinely thought it was what I needed to do, and yes to a degree i did, but somehow, somewhere along the way a message was lodged into my subconscious that I wasn't good enough unless I was perfect and now, people expected me to have my shit together; mistakes & failure where not an option. The only way to ensure that I didnt fail to meet everyone's expectations of me, was to remain in control of every aspect of my life. Let me tell you a secret that all control freaks never want to admit... it is fucking exhausting & stressful working so hard to appear 'together'... and quite frankly, im kind of over it... I dont think I will ever be the kind of person to completely let go, my high standards & expectations of life would never allow it, but I'm definitely ready to loosen the reigns. A fucking lot.
Recently, Ive come to another turning point in my life, this time not forced, but gently coaxed by the higher forces. Now, i find myself being sent back down all of these little paths i have taken on my journey, to take note of any trauma that i need to heal. At first I didnt have a clue where to begin, my need to try and control the situation kicked in, but its not up to my conscious mind, my subconscious will lead me to wherever i need to be & that is where i begin... So here I am - event number one on my journey of discovering where I accidentally dropped my soul and broke it.
Healing is a process, a long fucking process and by pure chance, the point at which all of this subconscious message engraining happened, was at a time i was healing a whole bunch of other issues. So even in our healing processes we can accidentally or subconsciously learn things that are harmful to us. And this isnt to say you are forever fucked, its just that healing is a complicated and long as fuck process... you're still living your life whilst going through the healing, so you have to be prepared to do the work & understand that its hard & sometimes messy and almost the whole time, frustrating as hell. You become so aware of yourself and aware of what you need, aware of what needs to heal and you just don't understand why it needs to be so fucking complicated.... well thing is... you're healing your heart & your soul and you also need to enlist the help of both your conscious and subconscious mind to lead you to all the memories that are holding the energies that need to be let go of... so yeah. Its. A. Process.
SO, my need to appear to have my shit together, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is the root source of my anxiety. Most of my growth & counselling sessions haven't really pushed me to an uncomfortable place because I was aware of all of my issues & flaws & I was pretty comfortable with owning them, I was aware of my past & id had time to get friendly with it... So diving into the past was no big deal, sorting through it, all good - because I felt like i was in control of the situation. I was choosing to go back there, I was choosing to get better, I was choosing it all. Letting go of control, is quite literally a conundrum - it is the opposite of what I know how to do, i cannot control the process of letting go, so in order to find the girl that I used to be, the carefree, go with the flow person that I lost along the way, I must completely surrender to the process.
And fuck me. I've never been so uncomfortable in my whole life.
Over the course of many years of carefree, go with the flow, yes at times reckless behaviour, I came to a turning point where I was forced to clean up my life or lose all of my friends. At the time I genuinely thought it was what I needed to do, and yes to a degree i did, but somehow, somewhere along the way a message was lodged into my subconscious that I wasn't good enough unless I was perfect and now, people expected me to have my shit together; mistakes & failure where not an option. The only way to ensure that I didnt fail to meet everyone's expectations of me, was to remain in control of every aspect of my life. Let me tell you a secret that all control freaks never want to admit... it is fucking exhausting & stressful working so hard to appear 'together'... and quite frankly, im kind of over it... I dont think I will ever be the kind of person to completely let go, my high standards & expectations of life would never allow it, but I'm definitely ready to loosen the reigns. A fucking lot.
Recently, Ive come to another turning point in my life, this time not forced, but gently coaxed by the higher forces. Now, i find myself being sent back down all of these little paths i have taken on my journey, to take note of any trauma that i need to heal. At first I didnt have a clue where to begin, my need to try and control the situation kicked in, but its not up to my conscious mind, my subconscious will lead me to wherever i need to be & that is where i begin... So here I am - event number one on my journey of discovering where I accidentally dropped my soul and broke it.
Healing is a process, a long fucking process and by pure chance, the point at which all of this subconscious message engraining happened, was at a time i was healing a whole bunch of other issues. So even in our healing processes we can accidentally or subconsciously learn things that are harmful to us. And this isnt to say you are forever fucked, its just that healing is a complicated and long as fuck process... you're still living your life whilst going through the healing, so you have to be prepared to do the work & understand that its hard & sometimes messy and almost the whole time, frustrating as hell. You become so aware of yourself and aware of what you need, aware of what needs to heal and you just don't understand why it needs to be so fucking complicated.... well thing is... you're healing your heart & your soul and you also need to enlist the help of both your conscious and subconscious mind to lead you to all the memories that are holding the energies that need to be let go of... so yeah. Its. A. Process.
SO, my need to appear to have my shit together, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is the root source of my anxiety. Most of my growth & counselling sessions haven't really pushed me to an uncomfortable place because I was aware of all of my issues & flaws & I was pretty comfortable with owning them, I was aware of my past & id had time to get friendly with it... So diving into the past was no big deal, sorting through it, all good - because I felt like i was in control of the situation. I was choosing to go back there, I was choosing to get better, I was choosing it all. Letting go of control, is quite literally a conundrum - it is the opposite of what I know how to do, i cannot control the process of letting go, so in order to find the girl that I used to be, the carefree, go with the flow person that I lost along the way, I must completely surrender to the process.
And fuck me. I've never been so uncomfortable in my whole life.
Thursday
One Year (in Melbourne)
It is amazing how much you learn each and every day, all of the small tiny seemingly insignificant lessons, those little moments that all seem to lead to you those big moments. You don't notice the changes at first, because they're so small & sometimes inconsistent, but slowly each day, bad habits drop away, new good habits form, we doubt ourselves less & find happiness in places that where there all along.
This last year has been a series of small special moments, big wins, a few big dramas but most recently a new found sense of clarity & calm. As a self confessed control freak, I tend to hold everything so closely & tightly for fear of it all falling apart, a lot of the time I dont actually pause to just enjoy the good in the moments. So I was very surprised to find myself rather at ease with my recent resolve to start letting go & having more faith in the universe to send me what I needed, when I needed it, to trust in the moment, trust in the journey & know that whatever situation I was in, was exactly where I was meant to be. And i kid you not, the last few months have just been a series of 'get fucked' moments & laughing at the seemingly coincidental but perfect timing of things.
For the most part, this journey of growth, is fucking hard - sure there are days of pure bliss when you have complete and utter faith that your life is charmed & you will eventually get everything you ever wished for - but please, dont be fooled into thinking that its easy to maintain that blind faith. Trusting in a higher power, trusting that the universe actually has your back, keeping your vibration raised & your heart open takes an incredible amount of discipline & strength; i battle with myself almost daily. I have doubts every single day, but rather than squash them down or brush them aside, I try to listen to my heart & do my best to find a thread of strength & love and redirect my thoughts there.
Moving to Melbourne has been the best thing that I ever did. Finding new friends, a new routine, a job, a blank page in theory was refreshing, in reality it was daunting AF. I had to realllyyyy reach deep to be brave & trust, for a while it seemed nothing would work out & I was just making an epic mess of everything. I was scrambling to keep it together & was so disappointed with myself! My finances where in tatters, my heart had been drop kicked into a brick wall & the company i was keeping was toxic & self serving. I cant tell you how I rolled out of it relatively unscathed, but like I said, it was small choices every day that eventually led me to the most epic time of my life.
I decided at the beginning of this year that I was going to be more 'selfish', not in a negative way, but that this year I would do my best to focus on myself, continue to grow as a person and give myself the very best. The best friends, kind words, a safe environment, a stable home, a good working environment and i would remove all of the toxicity that I had been allowing to exist. No more drama. It has been fucking bliss. From the moment I made that decision, the universe has granted me everything I asked for, I couldnt be more happy or lucky, well lotto wouldnt go astray, but realistically, my heart bursts almost every day. 2018 so far has been epic. The way that I viewed this decision, was that by being selfish, i would be in a better position for others. My beautiful friends & family deserve the very best version of me.
So here's to another lap around the sun & to my last year in my 20's, holy shit. Who knows what it will bring, but im quietly optimistic that this will be my best year yet
xx
This last year has been a series of small special moments, big wins, a few big dramas but most recently a new found sense of clarity & calm. As a self confessed control freak, I tend to hold everything so closely & tightly for fear of it all falling apart, a lot of the time I dont actually pause to just enjoy the good in the moments. So I was very surprised to find myself rather at ease with my recent resolve to start letting go & having more faith in the universe to send me what I needed, when I needed it, to trust in the moment, trust in the journey & know that whatever situation I was in, was exactly where I was meant to be. And i kid you not, the last few months have just been a series of 'get fucked' moments & laughing at the seemingly coincidental but perfect timing of things.
For the most part, this journey of growth, is fucking hard - sure there are days of pure bliss when you have complete and utter faith that your life is charmed & you will eventually get everything you ever wished for - but please, dont be fooled into thinking that its easy to maintain that blind faith. Trusting in a higher power, trusting that the universe actually has your back, keeping your vibration raised & your heart open takes an incredible amount of discipline & strength; i battle with myself almost daily. I have doubts every single day, but rather than squash them down or brush them aside, I try to listen to my heart & do my best to find a thread of strength & love and redirect my thoughts there.
Moving to Melbourne has been the best thing that I ever did. Finding new friends, a new routine, a job, a blank page in theory was refreshing, in reality it was daunting AF. I had to realllyyyy reach deep to be brave & trust, for a while it seemed nothing would work out & I was just making an epic mess of everything. I was scrambling to keep it together & was so disappointed with myself! My finances where in tatters, my heart had been drop kicked into a brick wall & the company i was keeping was toxic & self serving. I cant tell you how I rolled out of it relatively unscathed, but like I said, it was small choices every day that eventually led me to the most epic time of my life.
So here's to another lap around the sun & to my last year in my 20's, holy shit. Who knows what it will bring, but im quietly optimistic that this will be my best year yet
xx
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