Truth, Vulnerability and Him

You got the boy. 

Your wish came true.

The last four months have been a blur of anxiety, of walls being torn down around you, of pure & utter fear. 

Of breaking habits, of fighting patterns.

Of choosing not to run. 

Yet he has no idea.

Not.A.Clue

He will never know the internal battles you fight every single day. 

Your body in constant flight mode. 

Your mind forever conflicted.

Your heart desperate to stay safe.
You keep it together. 

Put on your brave face. 

You dont cry

You dont let him see the pain.

The fear.

You smile & you laugh. 

You keep it together. 

For him

For them

Because if he see's it, any of it. If he senses the imperfections.

He will leave. 

Because he doesn't need you. 
He doesnt choose you.
His walls are impenetrable & no matter how patient you are, how perfect you are, how helpful or nurturing or loving you are. He will still leave.

He will still leave.  

So this relationship is going to be a lesson. 

It is going to hurt. And you are going to let it.

It wont break you down

It will break you up.

You will let the pain in. You will face the things you fear. 

You will face the people who have left you. 

The people who have let you down.

The people who didnt love you 

The ones who told you you werent enough.

It's ok to let it hurt you, its ok to feel it, to acknowledge it.

But you will stay true to your heart.

You will bend if you choose. 

But you will remain steadfast & true to the girl you know you are.

You will not put your life on pause for a boy who only half loves you.

You will not wait for the phone to ring.
You wont wait for him to choose you.
You wont wait. 
You will fill your life with the things you love

With the people who love you. Truly

Who see you. Who truly see you.

You didn't work this hard to only come this far. 

It's ok to love him.

Its also ok to let him go.

You are loved. You are safe.