falling in love

It's been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet it is said that we need each of these loves for different reasons. 

Often our first is when we are young. It is the "idealistic love"; the one that seems like the fairytales we are all read as children. It is a love that looks right. 

I can tell you this one is such epic truth, it's screaming out from the hidden memories of my past. This one will seem hard, but it is nothing compared to what is to come. To describe my first relationship from an outside point of view replays in my mind over and over "You looked like the perfect couple, Barbie & Ken". And i couldn't argue this. We did look like the perfect couple, but it wasn't real, it wasnt a forever love, it was only an image we projected, not with malice or lies, but we where both young and 'in love'. But it was only the beginning, for both of us. So much to each learn about ourselves still. 

The second is supposed to be our "hard love"; the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we want or need to be loved. Sometimes its unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. It is the love that we wished was right. The one we fight so hard for & bend ourselves in half trying to make work. 

Again, I can write you a beautiful tragic love story of this very nature, one of innocent, unconditional, soul crushing love. It is an epic love story, but without the happy ending. From an outside point of view, nobody could understand it other than us, we where two demons playing with fire, having the time of our lives & falling in love in a way he wasn't ready or prepared for & that ended in a way I never saw coming. It taught me strength I never knew I had, forgiveness I never thought i was capable of, it made me hard, closed off, reckless & distraught for a time, but through the learning & healing of it, it allowed me to find a stillness within myself that I never knew I had. There is still a tender place in my heart that will be there I think until the end of time, a small bruise of longing for what never was, a pulse of unfinished business. The mention of his name pushes and pulls at me in a hundred ways & when I try to put it into words, even to myself, I find that words fail. For me, this terrifies me. My biggest fear in life used to be ending up alone. Now my biggest fear I have is meeting someone who is everything I never knew I ever wanted & not being able to love them enough, not being able to give them enough of myself. I am so scared of my heart still being attached to this almost love, the love that never quite had its time. I will be stuck in a time that does not exist & miss out on an epic love. 

The third is the love we never saw coming. The one that usually comes dressed as all wrong for us & that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be.

It's the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don't all experience these loves in this lifetime. Maybe none of you can relate, but perhaps thats just because you aren't ready to. Maybe we need a whole lifetime to learn, or maybe if we're lucky it only takes a few years. The days and months following my last relationship where some of the darkest moments of my life. So for me, the thought of my next relationship, scares the absolute life out of me. I envy those people who fall in love just once & remain so passionately in love their whole lives.

Some believe they are the lucky ones. But I disagree. I think that those who make it to their third love are the lucky ones.

They are the ones who have fought on courageously, ever faithful in their pursuit of love, despite the shattered pieces of their broken hearts scattered on the floor, despite the roaring doubts in their minds convincing them that they are too broken, too hard to love. 

But they aren't too broken, they aren't hard to love ; it's just a matter of finding someone who loves the same way you do. 

And maybe there is something special about our first love & something heartbreakingly unique about our second, but trust me when I say the third will be worth it. Worth all of the endless nights you lay awake clutching at your chest, willing your heart to beat another day, worth all of the tears that soaked your pillows every night, worth each moment you doubted that you would ever be happy again. 

He will be the one you never saw coming
The one that takes your breath away
That looks at you & sees you
The one that lasts 

I promise you.

almosts

It's a funny things almosts

A job you almost got, a house you almost owned, a decision you almost made

A boy, you almost loved. 

The feeling of missing something you almost had, memories you could have made - it's a feeling that's hard to describe. 
Coming this close, to everything you ever wanted, being able to breathe it in & wrap it around you, your heart let itself drop that barrier of protection for just a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to let hope creep in. 
It's different to the yearning you feel for something you want - when you have a dream, you have fire, you know that you can work toward it, you have excitement & determination, passion & you are fearless in your pursuit. 

To miss something you almost had, is like someone pouring ice on your fire. It won't put it out straight away, it will be a shock to its core, slowly diminishing, while the flames around it flicker with hope and struggle to stay alight; all the while knowing that it's fighting a hopeless battle & eventually going to go out & all you will be left with are the ashes of almost.

self love club

You never really know the demons you will face until you face the one's in your mind. 

The boy who broke your heart? He is nothing compared to the voice in your head that tells you to give up, that tells you you're not good enough, that you wont make it, that you're destined to be alone, that you will fail.

The job you lost? It is nothing to what you will lose if you lose yourself...

Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, like I don't belong in this lifetime. I have never really felt good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I have never felt like I was ENOUGH, always so terrified that I would fail. These where & are my deepest fears, that nobody could ever know, and worse noone would ever understand. How could they? From the outside looking in I am the strong one, the dependable one, fearless and sure. But thats the problem with being the 'strong one', nobody every stops to see if you're ok. Noone knows what to say or how to help, because you're meant to have all the answers.
Want to know the biggest secret of them all? 
My life has been one big masquerade. 
Welcome to my party.

set your soul on fire

I used to be a runner. Forget everything and run - it's just who I was
I was a gypsy soul, never settled, never content
What I learned however, is that you cannot outrun yourself. 
The darkness in your mind & in your heart, your fears; it will all follow you, concealed in a hidden dusty corner of your soul. And just as you begin to settle in the new place you call home, what you where running from will appear again. 
And you will run again. 

Two years ago I took flight once again. Running from the person I had become & the life which I found myself stuck in, looking back over every moment that had culminated into a life i didn't want and a person i didn't want to be - I was utterly disappointed in myself. Disappointed at my lack of strength, my poor judgment, decisions I had made, the people I had surrounded myself with, the people I had let down, I wanted to throw the whole lot in and forget it all. I decided to move to a place I had been before, that felt like home but that allowed me to live in a real life Neverland. Nobody expected me to have my life together, to know what was next or to have a plan. It was an escape from the reality of the mess I had created. In the lead up to leaving, I had never felt so weak and vulnerable, I was terrified that I was never going to be happy, that I was making yet another mistake and that I shouldn't run, but i did it anyway because its what i knew how to do best. 
Avoid. Forget. Run. 

What I found in my Neverland was the release from the pressure cooker I had placed myself in. Freedom to let my hair down and just be. There where people who loved me for me, just as I was, mistakes & flaws included. I was encouraged to find my happy, to find joy again. One of the most important people I met in this time showed me just how good life could be with a simple adjustment of your perspective. Her life was far from perfect, her upbringing similar to mine, but she chose to see the good, focus on the good and create MORE GOOD. She brought only love & light to everyone around her, not just friends and family but complete strangers, she worked harder than anyone i've known & threw herself wholeheartedly into her life. As I began to find myself again, the me I wanted to be, away from the hurricane of home, it became clear that running wasn't the answer. Although I felt lighter & less disappointment toward myself, the same fears cropped up in my life and try as i did to ignore them and avoid them, they eventually became unavoidable. This time, instead of running, I knew it was time to come home and change. 

Just over a year ago i came home. I came home to face the music, to pick up the scattered pieces of myself & put them back together, to examine each piece of my heart & soul, clear out the clutter & be the person I want to be. It has been an unexplainably, undeniably tough journey. And although I have been so incredibly lucky to have the most beautiful people around me, one thing that has remained, is my inability to let anyone in. So ultimately it has been and still remains to be a battle I face on my own. My fears & self doubt still get the best of me on some days, but rather than flight I choose to remain & face it all. 

hell is empty and the devils are all here

I could tell you about her, but you will never really know her. She wont let you in. She's got a huge heart. She will bend over backwards to help someone, she would give them whatever they needed if she could. Her loyalty to the ones she loves is unheard of these days. Unwavering & fierce. She smiles like she's never been hurt & if you didn't know her, you would never imagine she has been. But she has been, more than you could ever realise. You will see her smile & feel her warmth and truly believe she is a magical lightness, the kind of strength & wisdom that you wish you had. But she's fragile, she breaks easily, it doesnt take much as she takes everything to heart. I'm not surprised that you don't know any of this though, she doesnt let many in, she's cautious and guarded, being vulnerable is too big of a risk. If she does let you in, she trusts you with it all. The good and the bad, the very dusty dark corners of her troubled soul. There are demons she is constantly at war with. And she is a lot worse to herself than anything that could be said to her or done to her. She shy's away from her past, it is her least favourite part of herself. She will store it away, on the highest shelf in hope that you will never notice it or ask about it. She doesnt expect you to even try to find a way in, she is prepared for this life alone. But i promise you, she is so worth it, she is nothing like you would expect and you will have a life that you'd never have if you hadnt met her. You will have a love like no other. 

1am

It blindsides you at 1am. 

You jolt awake, not quite sure what broke you from your sleep, you take a moment to adjust to consciousness, not quite asleep, not quite awake, still grasping onto the last remnants of the dreams that swirl around your mind and then there it is. The memory comes crashing in, the overwhelming reality wrapping around your heart, flooding every inch of you - he's not here. You roll over to the cold spot where he should be & stare into the darkness. You wait for the tears to come. But they don't, there's just a heavy weight in the space where your heart used to beat, like the cold space next to you, it's empty, void of any sign life. You told yourself you weren't invested in this one, you kept your heart protected and you didn't let him in... but somehow he slipped through the cracks & now here you are awake at 1am missing him. 

I guess eventually you become accustomed to being left. I mean you have to laugh at some point right? You should be used to it by now, you are the girl who gets left. Yet you hold on to this whimsical notion that one day, a man will come along and change the world as you know it, that all of these relationships have been some kind of 'journey', 'lessons' to grow from. You tell yourself that you're meant for something more, that you're one in a million & you can change the world... but who gave you that crazy idea? It certainly wasn't your 'you've done nothing with your life & you're not going anywhere' mother... It definitely wasn't your condescending 'You have to be really smart to do that job' dad...

It blindsides you at 1am. Your darkest thoughts, your deepest fears, the voices in your head that remind you of your self doubts. And at 1am, under the weight of yet another heartbreak, you might just start to believe them 

the girl behind the mask

What a shame it is that the girl who once believed in fairytales & magic has found her way to reality, with demons in her mind and the fear of never being loved, the fear of being alone.

Im not the silly romantic you think i am. I just want to feel safe with someone. To not always be waiting for him to walk away, to not always be wishing he would love me back. I need to be able to trust that he is there for me for the right reasons, because he cares enough to be there. I wont break your heart like those other girls will. That's exactly why you're so terrified. I could make you happy. And you know that being happy is the most terrifying thing in the universe. Once you're happy it can be taken from you. But still, you sleep with one eye open, your running shoes beside your soul every night ready to run, waiting for some sudden storm that might swallow you up.  I hate how you made me question myself when the problem was you all along. And then I think maybe I was destined to be alone. It''s at night that the thoughts come crashing in, the crushing weight bearing down on my already tender heart and my mind goes to war with my heart. The battle of what I know to be truth and fact at war with what my heart felt & would not relent on and the impossible choice of what to do. 

The sun will rise and set with or without you. So when the darkness lifts & you cannot hide amongst the shadows, you will put your mask back on to face the world and give it the love you know it needs, all the while counting down the minutes until you can retreat into the safety of the night. You will never find your worth in a man. You find your worth within yourself and then find a man who's worthy of you. So trust in your heart, always listen to your heart for it knows you best. Wait for the person who will bring light to the darkness, who will kiss your wounds and fill the scars in your heart with a love you once believed existed.

love is only a feeling... true or false?

Yesterday my mum told me the kind of love I believed in wasn't real. 

She thinks that the way you love anything in your life is the same way you will love the person who makes your world turn, the person who brings you coffee in the morning, who kisses you on the forehead & laughs at your not even remotely funny jokes, the person who's arms will wrap around you & make you feel safe and give you a place to always call home... the exact same...

There is no way in this lifetime that you will ever convince me that the love I believe in isn't real. I know it is, because I have been lucky enough to have had a glimpse of it. The kind of love that rips the rug out from under you, but in a good way, the kind of love that makes colours brighter, your heart race & your tummy do backflips. Please don't ever believe that it's not real. Don't settle for something because you are scared to be alone, because you think that is the best it will ever be. It's not. 

My mum believes that I am chasing a fantasy, that because I am damaged I want to believe in a fairy tale. But it is not because I am damaged, its because I have been loved, in a big way, its because I have LOVED in a big way. I have so much love to give those around me, the incredible people in my life that make each day a good day and one day I will share all of that love to my forever person.

Yes, I would fit into the 'damaged goods' category - A broken home, a most of the time absent father, an unstable childhood, a mother who did her best, but who's best fell short, cheated on & lied to, and an abusive relationship... it goes on. So yes, my heart has cracks from where it has been shattered into a million tiny pieces, but each of those cracks has been mended with tenderness & care. I have taken the time to look at what has happened in my life, the parts I had no control over & couldn't change and put my heart back together. My past does define me, it has made me who I am today - but not without me choosing how it changed me. I do not carry the weight of it in my heart, I am not burdened by it. I choose to still look at the world with a childlike innocence and believe in love & joy & happiness, to embrace my past & be thankful I have learnt so much in such a short time and am able to now appreciate the small things. 

So Mumma, here is my message to you - I am one in a million and one day I am going to get my fairy tale but it wont be an ending; it will be a beginning. A beginning of everything you didn't believe could come true. Romantic, real, forever love. It will take hard work, dedication & commitment to get to the end, but on my wedding day, you can stand up and give your toast & tell everyone that I waited for this man & that I never wavered from my belief that he existed.

a much needed reminder

Today I was reminded of one of the most important beliefs I try to live my life by & it was very much needed.

Life is not about what you get, its about what you give 
... so give it all

I believe this 100%, but I don't mean it as literal as it sounds. You have to understand its whimsical notion, the romantic of it. You can't use this to justify staying in a relationship that is one sided or abusive. You can't use it to justify running yourself into the ground for everyone else. There is a balance. You need to make sure your own cup is full first & then once you are so full that you are overflowing, then you have more than you could possibly need to be able to give of yourself truly. You must give to yourself first. Then you can give to others, give them everything you've got, your love, your advice, your time - let your light shine into the dark corners of those who need it.

There is this crazy notion that damaged and broken people are unable to truly & innocently love another. I call BS. If you are damaged, if you are broken, GOOD, you have also survived that which broke you. So now you have beautiful battle scar reminders of your strength. You can either let the experience break you & make you stronger or you can stay down there in the dark broken mess of it all. But don't think for a second you don't have a choice. I think every life experience changes us somewhat, but we are all who we are at the very core of us, nothing can shake your foundations, you can however, grow into a better version of yourself, take your lessons and become better, do better, love better, laugh more & give more.  Yes, damaged people roll into a new relationship with their truck load of baggage, equipped with self doubt, self sabotage and more issues than vogue... but that doesn't mean they aren't also strong & brave & able to love fiercely and whole heartedly. 

I've been to the very bottom & sat in the beautiful mess, amongst the broken pieces of my heart and soul wondering where the fuck to start with the glue. It takes time to embrace all your flaws & love yourself for all that you are, so enjoy that time, learn to accept your imperfections. Putting yourself back together allows you the incredible opportunity to put yourself back together exactly how want to. To change the parts that you don't like, i put emphasise on you, because you should never change for anyone but yourself. Have you been somebody you don't like? A lesser version of who you want to be? Thats ok. Change, grow. 

A soul mate is not the whole picture, they are just the final piece. So when it comes time for me to choose my forever, I will be exactly who I want to be and i'll choose the person who looks at me with all my flaws and cracks and imperfections and see's a masterpiece. And every day i will love that person with my whole heart, i will make sure that i choose them every day, that there is never a moment they don't know just how loved they are, how special they are & how lucky I feel to have found someone who's puzzle piece was the final piece to mine. 

They say we cant choose who we love, that you dont find love, love finds you and I agree with this to some degree, but i do believe once we find our other half that you have a responsibility to yourself and to them to be the people that you fell in love with, to give to yourself first and then give to them. Give them your heart, let them into the darkest corners of yourself, give them your love, give them laughter that makes your belly ache, give them sleepy Sunday mornings, give them child like joy, give them excitement, loyalty, honesty & a safe place to always call home. 

Give it all.

who do you want to be... continued

What do you want to do with your life? 

Do you want to be a singer? 

What do you want to tell the world in your songs? 

Do you want to make a record that earns you thousands of dollars or do you want to make a record that changes someone’s life? 

What do you define ‘worth’ as? 

Is it the car that you drive or the house that you live in? Is it the impact that your words have or is it the truth that you speak that makes your worth as a person? 

I believe that somewhere along the line the meaning of the question has been changed, when we are asked what we want to ‘do’ with our lives, instead of thinking about what occupation is going to define who we are, we should be considering what impact the things we do is going to have on the world. 

Do you want to change the world? Do you want to travel the world? Do you want to help people? To inspire people? Or help them see the greatness in themselves? Do you want to invent something or discover a cure? Do you want something simple, a loving home to raise children in? Or to bake bread that families can break over tea?

There are 525,600 minutes in a year - Each day you are given 1440 of those minutes, to do whatever you like with, but at the end of the day that clock resets, they do not transfer and you cant save them for later. At the end of each day, have you used those minutes or have you wasted them? Are you closer to achieving your dream? Have you made conscious decisions to be the person you decided you wanted to be? It is up to you to remember that you deserve your dream to come true, that you deserve good things to happen to you. So when you find yourself reflecting on the day and feeling as though you haven’t done anything ‘worthy’ that day, don’t get lost in the darkness or self pity, just make sure you wake up the next day and work twice as hard. Your ideas & your dreams may change over time or you may achieve your dream & you may be exactly the kind of person you want to be, so naturally your dreams will grow & develop as you grow as a person. I think this is one of the most frightening things about life; that nothing is certain, that at any given moment the rug can be ripped out from under you and your dreams are scattered.  You owe it to yourself to pick up the pieces, put them back together and get on with the life you have been given and to make it the life that you wished for & you dreamed of. 

Don't let someone else write your story

a few words for the lovers & the believers

Don't expect her to paraphrase her life for you;
She was born to be a story.
And if you can't understand that;
then perhaps she's beyond your reading level.

~~~~~~
I wan't you.
All of your flaws, all of your imperfections,
Your laughter, your light, your jokes, your sarcasm.
The dusty corners of the darkest parts of your soul.
I want all of you, everything. I just want you.
~~~~~~
I want the parts of you that you refuse to show anyone else.
Trust me with your heart & I will be forever yours.
~~~~~~
Just be yourself.
Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, weird, quirky, beautiful, magical
person that you are. Don't hide your heart from the world. Because once they see
what I see, they will fall so hopelessly in love with you.
Just like i did. 
~~~~~~
Let your heart be your compass when you're lost;
and follow it wherever it may go.
~~~~~~
I remember the day I looked into your eyes & felt my entire world flip. You are my
beginning and end, you where the end of life as I knew it & the beginning of the
best person I would ever hope to be.
~~~~~~

who do you want to be?

It is one of life’s most perplexing questions; 

‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ 

I think the answer to this seems just that slight bit out of reach to many of us because it is so immense & so final. At such a young age, when we are just beginning to work out WHO we are, or maybe more so even just who we want to be, we are expected to choose a path that will potentially define our entire future... pretty bloody big if you ask me.

As children when we are asked this big huge immense question of what we want to be and we answer with doctor, vet, football player or writer. We answer with jobs that we want - but why don't more of us define what we want to be when we grow up by the way we want to feel? How many respond with I want to be happy or I want to feel loved... Why are we not taught that the most important thing we should be in life is happy? To feel that warmth in your heart that makes each day worth it? Life is going to be bumpy as all hell, there will be some dark days when that warm feeling is just a distant memory, so if you know what the reward is on the other side then the journey through all the muck will be worth it...

So, I think maybe this is the wrong question to be asking... Maybe what they should be asking is; Who do you want to be? What do you love to do? What makes you happy right now? Once you know the answer to these questions, I think the answer to this apparently very important question may be a little clearer. The steps that you should take next & what you should do in order to be the person you want to be. 

As a young adult, there is a great burden placed on our shoulders to make a decision that will change the course of the rest of our lives. As a young adult, who hasn’t yet figured out who he or she is yet, I would like to ask the parents & the teachers who are responsible for asking this question & demanding that we know the answer – If we do not know who we are, or what we want our lives to mean - then how can we know what we want to do, and further more, why does it matter? Should who we are and who we are going to be for the rest of our lives not be of greater importance? The impact that we have the potential to make on the world weighs greatly on whether we become a person who truly lives or whether we simply exist. 

I am yet to figure out what it is that I want to do or what it I that I am going to create, but what I do know for absolute certain, is that knowing who you are or who you want to be is far greater than knowing what job you want to do. When you know the type of person you want to be, you have to consciously choose to be that person every day.

You don’t need to change the world over night, but you owe it to yourself to be the kind of person you want to be, to find whatever it is that makes your soul come alive, that makes your heart sing, to find a way to change YOUR world. Without happiness there is no light, there is no joy or love. You never know when you will change someone else’s world, if only for a minute just by following your heart, just by being true to yourself.