Recently I have found myself wondering what happened to the carefree, somewhat reckless version of myself. The girl who genuinely wasn't phased by other people's opinions or expectations of her... and then it hit me, with age comes a certain 'expectation'. Turning 29, Im an adult, I should be at an adult stage of life - never mind society's expectation of me, there where things that I thought I would have achieved by now, goals i should have reached, stages of life i should be at.
Over the course of many years of carefree, go with the flow, yes at times reckless behaviour, I came to a turning point where I was forced to clean up my life or lose all of my friends. At the time I genuinely thought it was what I needed to do, and yes to a degree i did, but somehow, somewhere along the way a message was lodged into my subconscious that I wasn't good enough unless I was perfect and now, people expected me to have my shit together; mistakes & failure where not an option. The only way to ensure that I didnt fail to meet everyone's expectations of me, was to remain in control of every aspect of my life. Let me tell you a secret that all control freaks never want to admit... it is fucking exhausting & stressful working so hard to appear 'together'... and quite frankly, im kind of over it... I dont think I will ever be the kind of person to completely let go, my high standards & expectations of life would never allow it, but I'm definitely ready to loosen the reigns. A fucking lot.
Recently, Ive come to another turning point in my life, this time not forced, but gently coaxed by the higher forces. Now, i find myself being sent back down all of these little paths i have taken on my journey, to take note of any trauma that i need to heal. At first I didnt have a clue where to begin, my need to try and control the situation kicked in, but its not up to my conscious mind, my subconscious will lead me to wherever i need to be & that is where i begin... So here I am - event number one on my journey of discovering where I accidentally dropped my soul and broke it.
Healing is a process, a long fucking process and by pure chance, the point at which all of this subconscious message engraining happened, was at a time i was healing a whole bunch of other issues. So even in our healing processes we can accidentally or subconsciously learn things that are harmful to us. And this isnt to say you are forever fucked, its just that healing is a complicated and long as fuck process... you're still living your life whilst going through the healing, so you have to be prepared to do the work & understand that its hard & sometimes messy and almost the whole time, frustrating as hell. You become so aware of yourself and aware of what you need, aware of what needs to heal and you just don't understand why it needs to be so fucking complicated.... well thing is... you're healing your heart & your soul and you also need to enlist the help of both your conscious and subconscious mind to lead you to all the memories that are holding the energies that need to be let go of... so yeah. Its. A. Process.
SO, my need to appear to have my shit together, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, is the root source of my anxiety. Most of my growth & counselling sessions haven't really pushed me to an uncomfortable place because I was aware of all of my issues & flaws & I was pretty comfortable with owning them, I was aware of my past & id had time to get friendly with it... So diving into the past was no big deal, sorting through it, all good - because I felt like i was in control of the situation. I was choosing to go back there, I was choosing to get better, I was choosing it all. Letting go of control, is quite literally a conundrum - it is the opposite of what I know how to do, i cannot control the process of letting go, so in order to find the girl that I used to be, the carefree, go with the flow person that I lost along the way, I must completely surrender to the process.
And fuck me. I've never been so uncomfortable in my whole life.
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